Monday, July 14, 2008

I was hungry...and what I have to go through...

I was hungry, I really was. It was substantial, it really was, because when I opened the pantry and saw a cockroach sitting on the powdered milk box, after screaming, my mind flew into a mental debate.

"Do I make a grab for the corn chips or not? And...gross his antennas are wiggling"

"Cockroaches don't jump on people, they run away."

"What if there are others? What if there is one on the back side of the chips or in the chips? Remember what happened with Dawn and the Cheetos?"

"Okay you win. But you are still hungry. What are you going to do?"

I called for Andrea to bring our favorite weapon, while I walked backward toward the utensil drawer. I was going for the tongs but the debate began again.

"What are you going to do, reach blindly into the utensil drawer in order to keep an eye on the cockroach in the pantry? What if there is a cockroach in the utensil drawer?"

"Oh yeah, well, he's not moving so I'll have to risk it."

"Remember the last time you were home alone and all the bugs attacked you? What's the deal with that anyway? There really could be one in there."

"Oh, be quiet. I'm not listening to you any more." I grab the BBQ tongs and head back to the pantry with renewed confidence, but here we go again...

"Those are the good tongs."

"Yeah, but those are the ONLY tongs."

"What are you going to do, grab for the antennas? He'll crunch if you grab in the middle and squeeze too hard"

"His antenna will pull off and yeah you're right....that's gross. Hey, I told you to be quiet. It's no big deal. I'll grab it and feed it to the chickens. Okay here I go....oooooohhhhh"


"What did you have to scream for? He ran away!"

Andrea arrived with the aerosol can of prewash laundry spot spray. It's an enzyme eater and so, wallah! One spray, they flip over, wiggle, and die in 3 seconds.

Ssssquiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrt........ It runs away laughing...

"This must be a different variety of cockroach. I have never seen that before."

5 screams x 5 squirts = one cockroach kicking around in the back of the pantry somewhere behind the syrup + one slimy box of powered milk + one slimy bag of meat tenderizer + one slimy box of gelatin and a pair of dirty tongs.

I rescued the chips and thanked God cockroaches don't hide in the refrigerator while retrieving the dip. But cockroaches in the pantry have a way of making me nauseous and so after a couple chips, I don't want to eat any more. Now, I am suffering not only from hunger and nausea, but from invisiblebugsaremakingmeitchallover. I hate that.

I guess it's time for another visit from the bug man.


Esther said...

That was a ton of fun to read! You have an excellent blogging style!
One of the great things about Alaska is it's wonderful lack of bugs and snakes. =D

Jamie Carin and Claudio Romano said...

Ohhh I so feel your pain! You poor dear!!!

We had a SWARM of bird mites this weekend.

Creepy crawly feelings abound here as well!!

God Bless

John Moore said...

Should I send Gator in?

Duchess of Fife said...

Agghhh! I HATE cockroaches. If I were a superhero Roach Man would be my arch nemesis :) I understand that they come out when no one is around. When Colin was away, I would have nightly run ins with them in the bathroom - two at a time!

Dutchess said...

eeeew! that IS gross! It happened to me the other day with a spider. I hate them. Roaches are just horrificly huge.....I did see the tiniest cricket the other day and didn't have the heart to squish was all Disney's fault too. Couldn't squish Jiminy.....but that one was at work, not in my pantry, like the spider was. That one was doomed to a violent your cockroach....

Lauren Bleser said...

hahaha I'm a secretary for one of those "bug men" here in Oklahoma. So I hear LOTS of stories like this everyday. :)

Anonymous said...

Where there is one, there is always more. You ever meet a single cockroach.. That would be a no, and they have babies really fast. I would call the Orkin man. Bug bombs under the house and in the Attic just for good measure and in case they have a nest there.

Good Luck....

Mrs. Hurzeler said...

I read your cockroach story yesterday and what a funny story it was. I quite enjoyed reading it, however I am sure it was awful to deal with. Then today, I had to wrangle a baby lizard out of our house. So between the two of us we had quite the time with critters. LOL. God Bless.

Miss Kelly & Miss Andrea said...

I enjoyed Alaska while we were there for that very same reason. The funny thing is, while I was there I found myself squeemish over the Daddy-long-legs. Growing up in Oregon and Washington they never bothered me as I was busy dodging hornets, slugs and coyotes. So, I guess when the internal bug radar has to work with what it's got.

A swarm of bird mites? Which way were they headed? Do you live near me?

Please do. And send him with his bug retrieval kit. You know the one with the belt and all the tools hanging off of it. (Net, tweezers, magnifying glass and ventilated examination jar) See if you can find his bug vacuum gun too while you're at it.

It's true! The first time I was here alone I was nearly over run! I had been reading while sitting on the couch one evening in quiet solitude. I got up to head to bed and there was one nasty narly roach marching down the hallway towards me. What if I had not gotten up when I did I may have been ambushed! I turned to the right to head down another hall instead and there was another loyal subject of the order of blattaria marching toward me from that direction as well. I spun to head back to the frontroom where I been reading as it now seemed the only "safe zone" and there at my feet stood the king of all cockroaches! I was surrounded! I screamed "That's not fair!" lol, and threw my book. The next few days I spent sealing every crack in the house with silicone and foam spray. 5 tubes and three cans later we never saw another cockroach again. I was very thorough.

We will have to ask John if he can help us by undoing Disney's wrongs. Perhaps he will add a bug squishing scene in TWM?

I think I am seeing a money-making opportunity here. Perhaps if we put our stories together, we can publish something similar to "Alaskan Bear Stories"

Since this story took place there have been 4 more roach sightings. My father, now home was headed out to the garage. When he opened the door there stood one in front of him. He reached for the broom to sweep it away and another roach on the broom handle ran up the handle and over his hand!!!! Yuck, gross, ick, gack! Last night I was at a businessman's gathering with my father at a hotel and while chatting with some people a friend's husband came darting through the crowd, hollared watch out and stomped on one coming to get me! I am starting to wonder if perhaps they are attrached to my launry softener of something! This morning Andrea hosed down a roach in the kitchen with the butter spray. The chickens sure liked it too! We had our home sprayed two years ago and haven't had a problem until now. I am guessing that either a collony has just moved into town or the spray has worn off.

Mrs. Hurzeler-
Andrea was arranging books on the shelf a few days ago when a gecko leaped out of the darkness in which he was hiding on the shelf and landed on her foot! I heard her scream all the way upstairs. The books remained on the floor until I put them away yesterday.

I have dreamed that my live would be a cross between "swiss family robinson" and "the sound of music" but this is not what I was getting at.

God Bless,

Anonymous said...

I have the idea device for you.... I was on a flight with Continental this last week and was looking in their skymall catalog.. Their was a vacuum with a long fixed hose and a metal electrified grill at the bottom. When you suck up the bug it hits the electrocution grid and sianora!!! You don't have to get near it and the device works its magic..

You soooo need to get one where your at, plus its much cleaner than squashing a roach in a food storage area..

Sorry I didn't look at the price but am sure it can be found online..

Jamie Carin and Claudio Romano said...


LOL....not to fear I am in NJ...just about as far away from Texas as we can get! Nasty little critters them bird mites!

God Bless

Nick Jesch said...

So, Ladies, rejoice you do not live much further south than you do. I've been through Mexico and Central America where "las cucarachas MUY grandes y formidables son", and not only that they are quite intelligent. You were glad for the lack of snakes and bugs in Alaska, but have you ever seen a mosquito large enough to carry away a poodle? No? Well, they're ALMOST that big, from what I hear....
Seriously, though, getting rid of them IS a job of work, but can be done quite efficiently and cheaply. I'd recommend against the sprays and such you are using, particularly around food items. Dangerous. And using a vacuum cleaner might work, but you have to discover them, have the machine ready to hand, and administer it.AND, if the specific beast is particularly large (I've seen them up to about ten centimeters long... double yuck), it can clog the works, leading to a rather unpleasant job of blattariectomy before restoring it to normal function.

Best thing, an old cruising sailors' trick, is to get powdered boric acid and a can of sweetened condensed milk. Make small (half to three-quarter inch) round balls, like a very thick dough, and place them in various locations about the home, particularly near where food is stored. They love it, cannot resist nibbling at them, and it is certain and sudden doom..... Best part, the materials involved are harmless, no nasty chemical residues... simply "dile adios a las cucarachas".
Personally I rarely mess with lizards and spiders, as they have a ravenous appetite for all manner of bugs. My personal nemesis is the yellowjacket/hornet/wasp group of critters. Best method of dealing with them is, once a nest is located, get out the trusty shop vac, set it up with the hose near enough their nest they have to pass through the stream of rapidly moving air, turn the thing on and come back in an hour or three, when they will all have been peaceably ensconced within the large cannister, whence they cannot escape. Few survive the wild ride up the hoses, but to be certain none can return to haunt my abode, I leave the cannister sealed for a few days.

The downside of using my method against cockroachse, though, is that you'd not have any such hilarious stories to tell about doing battle with them. Ah, but I'm certain you could find other topics to substitute......

Anonymous said...

LOL! I can't resist letting out a good scream whenever I see a cockroach, either. (Happily, I haven't met any for a while.) Love how you make a comedy out of a horrifying experience.

-Christine from Arizona