I was hungry, I really was. It was substantial, it really was, because when I opened the pantry and saw a cockroach sitting on the powdered milk box, after screaming, my mind flew into a mental debate.
"Do I make a grab for the corn chips or not? And...gross his antennas are wiggling"
"Cockroaches don't jump on people, they run away."
"What if there are others? What if there is one on the back side of the chips or in the chips? Remember what happened with Dawn and the Cheetos?"
"Okay you win. But you are still hungry. What are you going to do?"
I called for Andrea to bring our favorite weapon, while I walked backward toward the utensil drawer. I was going for the tongs but the debate began again.
"What are you going to do, reach blindly into the utensil drawer in order to keep an eye on the cockroach in the pantry? What if there is a cockroach in the utensil drawer?"
"Oh yeah, well, he's not moving so I'll have to risk it."
"Remember the last time you were home alone and all the bugs attacked you? What's the deal with that anyway? There really could be one in there."
"Oh, be quiet. I'm not listening to you any more." I grab the BBQ tongs and head back to the pantry with renewed confidence, but here we go again...
"Those are the good tongs."
"Yeah, but those are the ONLY tongs."
"What are you going to do, grab for the antennas? He'll crunch if you grab in the middle and squeeze too hard"
"His antenna will pull off and yeah you're right....that's gross. Hey, I told you to be quiet. It's no big deal. I'll grab it and feed it to the chickens. Okay here I go....oooooohhhhh"
"What did you have to scream for? He ran away!"
Andrea arrived with the aerosol can of prewash laundry spot spray. It's an enzyme eater and so, wallah! One spray, they flip over, wiggle, and die in 3 seconds.
Ssssquiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrt........ It runs away laughing...
"This must be a different variety of cockroach. I have never seen that before."
5 screams x 5 squirts = one cockroach kicking around in the back of the pantry somewhere behind the syrup + one slimy box of powered milk + one slimy bag of meat tenderizer + one slimy box of gelatin and a pair of dirty tongs.
I rescued the chips and thanked God cockroaches don't hide in the refrigerator while retrieving the dip. But cockroaches in the pantry have a way of making me nauseous and so after a couple chips, I don't want to eat any more. Now, I am suffering not only from hunger and nausea, but from invisiblebugsaremakingmeitchallover. I hate that.
I guess it's time for another visit from the bug man.